Today marks two years from when my life was completely flipped upside down. I lost my job on this day and as devastating as that was I remained hopeful. I had declared that 2020 would be MY year & then the pandemic hit. Exactly two weeks from my job loss is when we went into lockdown. The anxiousnesses that I experienced during this time, like most of us, was just so unreal. And on top of that I was just so tired. Really exhausted from 10+ years of hustling.
You see, 2019 was a pretty tough year already, then 2020 we all already know and 2021...it felt like I had fallen into the deepest valley and no matter how hard I tried to climb out I kept falling back down. I’m an overthinker by nature (hello Leo) and I became more reflective than normal. I was trying to get back to me in 2021 but nothing I was doing was working.
I kept thinking about all of the things that I have been through in life and questioned how I found myself in this position. That thing that happened Freshman year at college....that shouldn’t have happened to me. That toxic relationship from back in the day...I shouldn’t have had to experience those things. I shouldn't have had to be on food stamps (for the 2nd time in life) just so I could grocery shop. I shouldn’t have had 3 eviction notices on my door in the last year. I went to the best schools (Howard + Parsons), I come from an amazing family, I know my purpose, I’ve had a personal relationship with Christ since I was 13. I kept thinking how did I get here?!?! What did I do wrong?!?! I couldn’t wrap my mind around going after my dreams when I was simply trying to survive.
Many of us are experiencing similar stories. #survivalmodeactivated I had to learn to show up for myself before I could show up for others & before I could let my creative juices flow again. I had plenty of people praying for me when I couldn’t pray for myself. Lots and lots of convos with Mommy & my girlfriends who are more like sisters at this point. Sessions with my therapist & life coach. I was used to heartbreak but this time I was healing my heart from the cards life dealt me. That was new for me.
I had to lean on my ancestors and my Tribe to get through. I thought about all the hard ish that Kizzie and Myrea and Vickie and Madlyn and Charron had to overcome. And how they are all still standing. So like the resilient women that came before me I slowly but surely started to build myself back up again. I like to call this version of me, Tamra 3.0.
I have no idea what’s to come but I’m figuring it out. Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. Thank you to those who checked on me and for those that stuck around. I appreciate you so much. I’m back.